I got an email from my brother the other day. It said, "Mother wants to take out a life insurance policy on you. I'm going to send you the forms, so just fill out the health information."
As the rest of my family knows a lot about money, investing, insurance, and the like, and I know absolutely nothing about any of those topics (nor do I want to), I didn't give it much thought. Most people with families have life insurance policies.
But then I was thinking one night (probably over a cocktail) that normally it doesn't work like that. Why should I have to fill out my health information? Ohhhh, I thought, this isn't a case where my mother dies quietly in her sleep and I get money. It's the case where if I kick off she gets money.
So what this means is my mother is figuring that I will die soon- at least sooner than her- and she just figures that with her insider information she knows enough to place a bet against the length of my existence and will probably turn a profit on the transaction. And if I understand this correctly, the sooner I die, the more profit she makes. So it would be to her financial advantage if I would, you know, catch AIDS or overdose on crack or have a car accident.
Fans, that is some serious fucking bullshit.
I mean, it's fine if you think I'm likely to drop dead sometime soon, but kindly don't announce your suspicions with financial paperwork. I'm not usually a stickler for manners and etiquette, but it seems rude to come to a person with paperwork that says "I hope you die and the sooner the better."
I relayed my concerns to my brother in a calm and polite tone. "Fuck that, motherfucker!" I said. "If she wants to turn a profit then why not take out a policy on one of your kids instead of on me, then poison the kid's Kool-Aid w hen she's babysitting. Children are a lot easier to kill."
He replied "She just wants to make sure funeral expenses would be covered if you die." (Maybe my family is getting used to me. What does it take to get a reaction out of these people?)
I replied, "So she's not saying 'I hope you die soon so I can make some quick cash,' but 'I bet you're going to die soon and I don't want to get stuck with the bill.'? Merry Fucking Christmas to that."
I think that may have scared them off for now. But in the meantime, I have come to my own decision: If she wants to place bets that I'll die, then I'll take out my own policy on her life in return. It will be my special way of saying "Hope nobody pushes you down the stairs!"