As you know IF YOU'VE BEEN PAYING FUCKING ATTENTION, I wrote a book that's being released in about two weeks. I'm very VERY VERY FUCKING excited, but also a bit nervous. I'm not very good at waiting for things AND IT MAKES ME WANT TO STAB OUT THE EYES OF THE WORLD and I tend to think of every SINGLE STUPID IMPOSSIBLE FUCKING reason why something could turn out bad IF NOT ASS-RAPINGLY DISASTROUS rather than being optimistic. That's just my TOTALLY SELF-DEFEATING nature I guess.
You see, ASSHOLES, this is kind of a big important career milepost . Soon, I'll have to decide what I want to do next with my life AND IF THE PAST IS ANY INDICATION I'LL CHOOSE TO CHANGE PATHS ENTIRELY AND END UP IN ENTRY-LEVEL WORK FOR THE NEXT FOUR YEAR CYCLE. CLEARLY, I have a pattern in my careers AND A REPEATING PROJECTION OF SOME DEEP FUCKED-UP EMOTIONAL IMPAIRMENT. I work my ass off to do something difficult JUST TO PROVE THAT I'M BETTER THAN YOU, achieve a small amount of success THOUGH NEVER FINANCIAL, then get frustrated and/or bored with it BECAUSE I MIGHT FIND I'M STUCK IN MID-LEVEL EMPLOYMENT RATHER THAN BEING THE KING OF THE FUCKING EARTH, then try something else entirely. Let's review:
In college I majored in physics ON ACCIDENT, despite being generally RETARDEDLY MISERABLY EMBARRASSINGLY bad at it. Then I managed to get a job doing science AFTER SENDING OUT 137 RESUMES, got my name on a bunch of papers, and even have one first-author publication THAT WAS A TOTAL GIMMIE. But then I realized I couldn't get a raise ever again without first getting a master's degree AND I TOTALLY FUCKING FLUNKED THE PHYSICS GRE AND DIDN'T GET IN ANYWHERE.
So I decided to learn programming. I went to grad school for computer science AT SF STATE, WHICH OFFICIALLY FUCKING SUCKS, but didn't finish the program and dropped out BEFORE I FAILED OUT to take a job at some small company. The company turned out to be a dot-com and then I had a wild BOOZE,COKE, AND COCK-FILLED ride for the next few years until I was laid off BY A STUPID MOTHERFUCKING CORPORATE DOUCHEBAG WHOSE HEAD I'D SMASH IN WITH A HAMMER IF I EVER SAW HIM ON THE STREET.
After that I had trouble finding a REAL job NAMELY THAT NOBODY WAS INTERESTED, so I became a FLUFF writer. I was proud of that for a little while BECAUSE I'D NEVER TAKEN AN ENGLISH CLASS IN COLLEGE AND IT SHOWS, then I realized how hard it really was to live on the income WITHOUT SUCKING CORPORATE COCK. So now at this book-publishing milepost it's coming time for me to decide whether I'm going to stick with this LOW-PAYING CRAP, write more SHITTY books, focus on magazine writing, or something else LIKE BLOWING MY HEAD OFF WITH A SHOTGUN.
I'm also starting to feel like A COMPLETE FUCKING FAILURE AND I miss doing science EVEN THOUGH I SUCKED AT IT and am starting to look into doing more graduate work LIKE I'D EVER GET ACCEPTED in something that combines my first two careers: biological informatics. But at this point WHERE I'M THIRTY FUCKING FOUR AND COMPLETELY WITHOUT DIRECTION AND SINGLE AND MOTHERFUCKING BITTER ABOUT IT I don't know if I'm just fetishizing science because I'm not doing it AND I CAN'T REMEMBER HOW THE CONSTANT FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY I HAD DOING IT MOTIVATED ME TO BECOME AMERICA'S NUMBER ONE MOST POPULAR RAVER BECAUSE IF I COULDN'T BE SMART AT LEAST I COULD PRETEND I WAS COOL or because I've just reached that point where I've done a pretty good job at writing IF YOU COUNT THE WORK I've CRAPPED OUT OVER THE LAST FOUR YEARS but am afraid either of success or FAR MORE LIKELY of failure at the current career AND AM LOOKING TO RUN THE FUCK AWAY FROM IT.
Fans, I FEEL LIKE MY BRAIN IS GOING TO SPLATTER AGAINST THE GROUND SO SOMEBODY TELL ME what color is my MOTHERFUCKING parachute?