The other night I was out drinking with a friend, and that's friend's friend was talking. It went like this:
Early on: "My partner blah blah blah... commitment ceremony..."
Middle of night: "There's a difference between emotion and sex..."
Near end of night: "Which sex club do you think is better, Eros or Power Exchange?"
This is how it always goes with people in open relationships. They first want you to know that they are wholesome reliable good people. Then when they think you're receptive, they drop the open relationship thing on you. Then you find out just how open they are. This guy has seen more action in six months than I've seen the entire time I've been in San Francisco.
But that exchange happens only in the friendship setting. In the other circumstance, when you meet the person blindly in a bar, it's just the opposite the longer you talk:
Early on: "Hot hot hot sexy sexy.."
Middle of night: "There's a difference between emotion and sex..."
Near end of night: "Yeah my partner goes to Eros while I go to Power Exchange."
Now fans, I expect to find later in life that open relationships are the only ones that work, and when I do you can call me a giant hypocrite, but for now I think they're full of crap and I'm going to make fun of them.
Okay, first off: Commitment ceremony? What did you commit to, exactly? Because it seems to me that you're agreeing to be people who agree that they like each other very much, but it's still totally okay to hump around. In that case, a commitment ring is about as valid as a friendship bracelet.
Open relationships are for people who want the emotional front of a commitment without really putting their penis where their mouth is. (I have seen some videos where that's more than a mixed metaphor.) That's like having a really cool roommate who you sometimes sleep with when you're both drunk.
It seems to me most homos in open relationships are just seeking extra external validation. Having one person think you're sexy only goes so far. They need to be thought of as sexy (and therefore, worthwhile) by lots of people. They like me, they really like me!
| Cause | Effect |
| Believing you're ugly for your formative years | Trying hard to look beautiful for the rest of your life |
| Losing your childhood to self-hatred | Living childishly for the rest of your life |
| Thinking the kind of sex you want is dirty | Having tons of dirty sex for the rest of your life |
| Feeling like everyone hates you | Needing to be loved by everyone |
Fans, having a lot of sex with a lot of different people doesn't make you sexy. It usually just means you have issues.
On the other hand, what's worse are the people who can't reconcile their need for validation with wanting a monogamous relationship. Those people are called cheaters, and they're usually the guys I end up dating.