Because I am one of the country's most popular and important humanitarians, I have decided to work with you on your New Years Resolutions.
"But that's crazy!," you say. "You're perfect in every way, Camper, and how could you even relate to having the problems that slovenly losers like us do?"
Fans, I appreciate your blind faith in my miraculous faultlessness, but I have a little secret to share: I'm not actually perfect.
Wait, stop. Don't freak out. I know your instincts are to topple your desk and set fire to your office, but don't do that. Let me explain.
Way down here- there's you. You're a mess. And way up here is me. See? From where you're standing, I look like perfection defined, but from where I'm standing, I still have a little way to go. It's kind of like how Jesus was supposed to be mostly God-like, but he could still get killed? That's kind of like me. Anyway, now that the obvious comparisons have been made, it's time to introduce you to:
The CEFYS (Camper English Fix-Your-Shit) Plan
Part One: What's Your Shit?
Fans, your shit's fucked up. Or at the very least, your shit's not together. You need to fix your shit. The first step in this is identifying your shit, and why it's fucked up.
I'll use myself as a meter for all of this. Here's a list of my shit that's fucked up: (Note: not as much as your shit.)
- I am hungover too much.
- I could lose 2 pounds.
- I'm not being productive enough.
Part Two: Why is Your Shit Fucked Up?
In most cases, the origin for your fucked-upness is easy to trace. In my case:
- Instead of being productive or exercising, I get drunk then eat too much to try to sober up afterwards and am hungover the next day anyway.
Part Three: The Plan for Fixing Your Shit
Look at your list of what's fucked up and try to think of ways to fix your shit. I recommend using a multi-pronged attack to fixing your shit. For example:
- There is no reason to give up all of eating, drinking, and fun. Instead I should temper each. Drink less, exercise more, and stop surfing porn on the web instead of working.
Part Four: Prepare to Fix Your Shit
Temptation is a bad thing. That's exactly why I spent the last two weeks drinking all the liquor in my house and eating as much greasy fried food as possible. And when I had a week and a half off my part-time day job, did I put that to good use? Hell no! I sat around in my underwear watching television and flipping through magazines. That's dedication to the project. I do it for you, fans.
If you haven't made the proper preparations to fix your shit, feel free to take some time to do that. There is no need to start fixing your shit on January 1. I mean, that calendar is based on Jesus' birthday, and not only is it off by a few days in the first place, I think we've already established that I am a better role model than him anyway. (His shit: needing a haircut and a god complex.)
Part Five: Fix Your Shit!
I plan to keep you posted and encouraged to keep fixing your shit throughout the month. Let me tell you, it's going great with me so far!
Sure, it's only two in the afternoon on January 1, but things are shaping up nicely. I haven't even had a drink yet today! If that's not dedication, then I don't know what is. As for the other shit that needs fixing, I haven't exercised or anything yet, but we'll see. And for getting more shit done (being productive), I've already written a log today.
See fans, my shit's slowly coming together. Yours?