Camper's Log - February 26, 2005

Dear Fans,

Whenever I'm single, I spend a lot of time browsing the personals ads. Not because I want to respond to them, of course, but because I want to confirm the fact that nobody is good enough for me.

Almost everyone has a fatal flaw that rules them out for consideration of the role of my next boyfriend. It's not usually a physical thing- you know I'm not shallow. You can be ugly as long as you have an advanced degree in something other than business or the humanities and have a high earning potential. It's usually something they say that makes me know for certain that I'll hate them.

As I know many of my fans dream of being Mrs. Camper English, I figured I should make explicit what will cause me to stop reading your personal ad and skip to the next loser. So here goes.

Ruleout Words:

• Spiritual
• Yoga
• "Love to laugh"
• Christian
• Agnostic
• Politics
• Symphony
• Romantic
• Madonna
• Queer
• Legally Blonde
• "Down to earth"
• Design
• iPod
• Mac
• The Color Purple
• "Everything but rap"
• Eighties
• Pet Shop Boys
• "Live life to its fullest"
• "New experiences"
• Retail
• Management
• Opera
• Candles
• Leather
• Bear
• Jock
• Alternative
• Passionate
• Massage
• Sensuous
• Meditate
• Karma
• Adventurer
• Tattooed (and mentions it)
• Pierced
• "No judgements"
• Midwestern values
• "Great catch"
• Sober
• Recovering
• Dreamer
• "Work in progress"
• "Aiming for balance"

Ruleouts in Login/Handles

• Anything that replaces numbers for letters, such as "sk8tr", "1hotbro", "2kewl4u"
• Anything that defines the neighborhood you live in, such as "castrodude" or "tom94110" (note that cities like "SFbob" are okay)
• Anything with a sport you'd like to think of yourself as your defining feature, such as "snowboardguy" "swimmerkevin" or "bobthebiker"
• Anything demeaning, like "surferboi" "bottomboy" "littlejohn"
• Anything self-aggrandizing, like "totalhottie93192" "sirbilly" "lthrdad4hire"
• Anything with your career in it, such as "sfwriter" or "lawyerjock"
• Anything with misspelling, like "kewlkeith" "rawkstar" or "slakker" (note that abbreviations like "econprof" are okay)

• Shirtless
• Pantsless
• On a tropical beach
• Stuffed animals anywhere in the picture
• Holding a baby
• Professional headshots or model shots
• With someone else in the picture
• With someone else in the picture, but that part is cut off so it's just an amputated arm hanging around his shoulder