Camper's Log - February 11, 2005

Dear Fans,

You know what I'm really sick of right now? Design. I don't know what the proper name is for the kind of design I hate. I want to call it "modern design", but I think that applies to the design of the sixties rather than today. Some of it is current "product design" I'm sure, because it's mostly products, but those products range from furniture to cars to electronics. Maybe it's current "industrial design"? I don't know. All I know is I hate it.

Specifically: the iPod and everything else Macintosh, the new Beetle, the Mini Cooper, and everything else Volkswagon, most Ikea furniture, much sportswear, most flatscreen computer monitors, some cell phones, liquor bottle design, Japanese hipster toys, and pretty much every other trendy consumer item produced in the past 3 years.

They all have similar qualities:

• rounded edges, but never round
• most often found in white, but if not, a combination of clear and another color
• especially orange or lime green, but sometimes "frosted" colors
• pleasing to the eye, but not overly whimsical or toyish
• cute, but not too feminine
• high tech, but friendly, paired-down functionality
• hardly subtle in designiness, but not vulgar or garish
• hip, but not hipster
• makes you feel modern for using it
• you instantly want it, even if you don't need it

I looked around my apartment the other day and realized that I've never bought any of these designy products. That's pretty weird, because who do you know that doesn't own one of an iPod, roundy camera phone, plastic night tables, Method soap products, etc.? Sure, part of the reason is because I'm poor and don't have a gadget fetish, but I think the other part is this type of design is annoying. It's pleasing to look at, touch, and probably to own, but I don't want to go near it.

It's kind of like ordering a cosmopolitan at a bar. You think, "Yum! That will be good." But it's always a little too sweet and you almost feel like you have to start acting flirtier when you're drinking it. Because it projects an image, you innately struggle to keep up with it. You're tempted to have a second one to match the first, then a third, but by that time you're going to have a total sugar headache.

That's how I think about it, anyway.

Give me things that are brown. Give me things that can get dirty. Give me heavy things. Things that don't break when you drop them. Things that don't stop working when they get wet. Give me sharp edges and real corners. Give me things that aren't disposable. Things that are upgradeable. Things that are more functional than fashionable. Heck, give me ugliness. Give me things that sink. Give me things that cost less because they didn't spend millions on the cover art. Give me things without packaging. Give me cords and wires. Things that aren't stand-alone. Things that only come in one color. Give me products that I don't have to dress up to match.