Camper's Log - December 18, 2005

Dear Fans,

I've been to a couple of rather hip weddings lately, populated by current and former club trash and alcoholics. They tend to be a lot of fun and provide a safe environment in which people who can no longer handle their liquor can get messy again without fear of embarrassment. But I never realized how many extra considerations the wedding planners have to take into account when dealing with crowds like these.

Special Considerations for Weddings Filled with Aging Hipsters

• Should you invite your dealer to the ceremony or just to the reception?

• As seating too many gays at one table will either turn into a bitch fight or an orgy, how do you best distribute them about the room?

• If you serve beer, should it be ironic hipster beer (PBR) or can you get away with picking a microbrew and hoping they don't bitch about it?

• How do you find a facility with enough bathrooms to prevent lines from getting too long because people are in in them doing lines?

• If you serve food, is anyone going to eat?

• If you have a lawn wedding, how do you provide a safe walking surface for platforms and stilettos?

• How do you solve this riddle: If you choose a DJ you don't know, the DJs who are guests will be insulted that you don't respect their talent enough to let them play, yet if you choose a DJ from among the guests, they will be insulted that they're only invited to the wedding to work.

• Should you even bother to have a non-smoking section?

• Is it proper to seat people in AA and NA together?

• How many hours before the actual ceremony should you tell guests to show up, assuming everyone will be very fashionably late?

• Should you provide condoms in the coat check room?

• At a summer wedding, do you need to provide a shaded area for the people who chose to wear leather pants?

• Is an appropriate Maid of Honor present a piercing salon gift certificate?

• If you provide an open bar all night, it may be nearly impossible to kick everybody out when it's over, yet if you have a limited quantity of alcohol, there is a chance guests will trash the venue when they're cut off. How much insurance should you purchase?