Camper's Log - December 9, 2005

Dear Fans,

Around this time of year, most every newspaper and magazine prints an article about how to behave at your office holiday party, and almost all of them boil down to: THE PARTY IS A TRAP. AVOID FUN AT ALL COSTS. Fuck that.

Office Party Behavior Tips

• Never sleep with a coworker at the same career level as you. That would be pointless.

• Don't take the janitor or mail boy home. They're poor and therefore are likely to steal from you. Have your way with them in a neutral, safe space such as the copy room or broom closet.

• Only sleep with superiors who are married. Single ones can get you fired and the sexual harassment lawsuit will be a case of he-said, she-said. Your married boss, on the other hand, has a vested interest in promoting you when you can blackmail him or her. (Be sure to keep a sample of any fluids exchanged for proof.)

• If the party is held at the office, this is a great time to steal supplies and computer equipment. How can they possibly trace it, when everyone was there?

• Drink as much as possible. If those bastards won't pay you the amount you deserve, you can at least try to make up for it in the amount of alcohol consumed.

• Everyone loves a snappy dancer, so get out there and show 'em your moves!

• Once you get drunk enough you know you're going to want cocaine. So plan early and bring enough for everybody. You're sure to be the hit of the party when you supply the drugs!