Many of you have been clamoring to know more about me- the man, the myth, the misanthrope. Though I'm hesitant to give away too many of my secrets to success and popularity for fear of diluting my own with your presence amongst my ranks, I will share more intimate details of my life and leave out the guiding philosophies behind it.
Take, for example, this past Saturday. Here is what I did.
11:30AM
I awake in all last night's clothing in a bed that is not my own.
As the dreams of the night turn into the higher plane of consciousness
that is Camper's waking life, I begin to reflect upon the events
of the previous evening. I remember something about "one last drink"
being necessary at 3:30 in the morning. I think the physical cue
to that hidden memory was taking a sip of the juice drink I found
bedside and realizing that it was more gin than juice.
I awoke with a start.
1PM
Breakfast time! I believe that mealtime is a social time, a time for
me to go out to eat and be seen and appreciated by my many, many fans.
Also, I don't cook and have no food in the house.
We head to Kate's Kitchen, where we are quickly escorted to a fine table where I will be visible by all diners in the establishment. I am their star customer, on display in the finest and last table available at the time.
Seven cups of coffee and some egg-cheese combination later, I am ready to start the day. It's me time.
3:30 PM
Ahh, my sweet, sprawling cottage in the ghetto. It's
good to be home. But this is no time for dilly dallying. It is
a beautiful day and I am a beautiful person. It is time to
enjoy one another. I respond to some quick fanmail then change
outfits for the second time of the day.
4:40PM
Dolores Park, a hillside escape enjoyed by couples of all genders,
though mostly homos: It's a good place to impress my fans with
a show of my athletic prowess. We toss a softball back and forth
and put on a show.
4:45PM
I grow tired of the rough exercise and decide to sit down.
It is peaceful here, and I feel the love of the masses.
Soon, the sun tucks in for a shady nap beneath the gentle hill. It's freezing and I feel a need for an outfit change.
5:30PM
Time for a quick nap.
8PM
Good morning starshine, Camper says hello! After a shower,
outfit reconfiguration, and a quick note to those who've sent
in fanmail over the course of the day, I leave the house to
begin the night.
10PM
I consider myself one of the people, despite being far, far
superior to all of them. We stop in for a snack at an
out-of-the-way little ethnic restaurant. Still, here, I am
recognized. Does my fame reach every nook and cranny like hot
margarine spread over a Thomas' English Muffin? I suspect
the counter help has put extra guacamole on my burrito, but
charges me the regular price.
10:30PM
I arrive at tonight's party. I think it may be the host's birthday
but it's clear when I enter that this was merely a ruse to elicit
my presence. I am flattered and begin to drink several cocktails.
Soon, the disco calls are sounded, and I am summoned for a display
of wacky dancing. "PYT" is on.
2AM
I advise the attendees of the party where to go for the afterhours.
Alas for them, I shall not join. Tonight I am taking it easy and
going to bed at a decent hour. The busy day that will be tomorrow
creeps ever closer to now.
2:15AM
At Mythic Pizza, I am surrounded by drunk college students in search
of a sobering slice. Such amateurs are saddening, but I am burdened
with a fondness for the pleasures of youth. I critique them on their
fashion choices and leave with my pizza.
2:20AM
Several blocks later, I find that I have misplaced some pizza all
down the front of my jacket. No matter- it is a plastic jacket
and the sauce soon drips off.
I realize at this moment that my perfect body has saved me from embarrassment once again- my protruding stomach has prevented the pizza from sliding onto my pants or shoes, but landing instead a full foot in front of me on the sidewalk below.
I thank myself for having such good fortune, arrive at home, and drift off into slumber, ever feeling the warmth of adoration that my fans have for me.