All San Francisco Males Gay By 2079: A Study of Conversion Rates into Homosexuality
Camper English, BS
Summary
Abstract
We have noticed an alarming trend toward homosexual conversion. General sociological factors, such as Gay Pride parades and the Will and Grace television show lure many into gayness at an increasing pace. Here we sought to determine a pattern on a smaller scale- what makes a person decide to become homosexual on Monday as opposed to Tuesday? It was our theory that certain days of the week or changes in weather patterns were factors in this decision.
Introduction
Homosexual behavior has been around as long as there have been prisons, perhaps even longer. For many centuries it was considered a leisure activity, akin to lawn bowling and chariot races. Because of the associated redecorating and wardrobe rebuilding, it was seen as too extravagant and expensive to take up professionally. It wasn't until the industrial revolution at beginning of the 19th century that people became wealthy enough to pursue homosexuality as a full-time lifestyle.
Seen by many as an excessive way of living, homosexuality did not gain true popularity until the mid-to-late nineties. It was then that the internet revolution educated millions to the fact that there were many others in the world interested in the same perversions as they were. Homosexuality, pedophilia, and sadomasochism soon came into vogue.
As societal pressures against converting to homosexuality are no longer an issue, it should be possible to study the subtler factors involved. This preliminary study did not have the scope or funding to interview every future homosexual in depth, but sought to determine easily measured factors such as temperature patterns and day of the week.
Methods
CraigsList.org is a popular San Francisco community-based website, which hosts a broad range of listings in many categories. It is seen by a large section of the San Francisco populace. One listing category is "Personals - Men Seeking Men". In this category gay men post ads seeking other gay men for sex or dating. Example posting titles are "Vallejo nasty cocksucker needed - older ok", "DRUG ME AND RAPE ME", and "Discreet first time encounter..." Though all entries were interesting reading, those similar to the third one only were relevant for this study. It was decided that this listing category would be the one used to determine the rate of homosexual conversion.
An unbiased observer (C.E.) scanned between 100 and 200 headlines per day to find those that mentioned a desire to try homosexuality for the first time. Key indicators were the words "bi-curious", "first time", and "want to experiment". Careful consideration was taken to avoid frequent "girlfriend away - want 2 play" postings, as these do not explicitly state that this is an initiation into homosexual behavior. These were tabulated for each day over a four-week period between July 5 and August 1, 2001.
We observed daily temperature highs and lows over this same four-week period. Weather data was collected from the National Weather Service archive.
Findings
The raw data indicated that between 0 and 9 persons were willing to try new homosexual experiences such as ball sucking throughout this period, averaging 3.9 per day. The daily temperatures were found to vary between a high of 71 degrees and a low of 52 degrees Fahrenheit. Figure 1 below illustrates the normalized data. Data for the number of first-timers, daily temperature highs and lows were normalized to the monthly average.
Next we observed the average number of unbroken-in butt bandits per day of the week. Though there were only four data points per group, clear patterns emerged. Thursdays were the most popular day to try homosexual behavior, followed by Wednesdays, Fridays, Mondays, Sundays, Tuesdays, and Saturdays. The data is displayed in Figure 2.
From this we can see that a person is more than twice as likely to loosen his fresh virgin asshole on a Thursday as on a Saturday. Though Wednesdays are commonly known as 'hump day,' we can see here that it is second in frequency of initial ass play to it's weekly successor.
We next sought to determine any interrelationships between the daily temperature and frequency of newly found faggotry. We felt that this was best analyzed by taking the derivative of the data stream. This would measure the rate of change in all data between one day and the next. The results are shown in Figure 3.
Though it looks here that the rate of changes in temperature and original homo incidences closely mirror each other, more analysis was done to verify this observation. The fresh fag fuck data was divided by the corresponding weather data, then divided by the resultant's mathematical absolute value to give us either a 1 (temperature and brand-new butt-piracy changing in the same direction) or -1 (opposite direction). The results are shown in Figure 4.
A simple totaling of all data points was done to determine the overall pattern for each of temperature high and low. Daily high temperature totaled -4, producing an indication that a change to warmer weather actually discourages experimentation with brownie hounding. Daily low temperature added to 0, showing no correlation.
Finally we chose to study whether, given the current rate of pederast conversions, the population of San Francisco would eventually consist only of gay men. According to US Government statistics projections for 1999, the population of San Francisco County was approximately 746,777. Fifty percent (to the thousandths' place) is reportedly male. Though the statistic is debated, it has been reported that up to 10 percent of males are gay or bisexual. In San Francisco, we know that this percentage is much larger. This leaves 336,049 heterosexual men in the city.
Craigslist.org has 750,000 unique visitors per day. One third of the hits come from San Francisco alone, so it was decided that the ratio of hits to visitors is equal, giving us 250,000 visitors from San Francisco. As female internet users are projected to outnumber male users by the end of this year, we will assume that currently the ratio is even. That means that 250,000 / 746,777 = 33 percent of San Franciscans use Craigslist.
This leaves us with 33 percent of the 336,049 heterosexual men equals 112,500 heterosexual men in San Francisco who use CraigsList. At a rate of 3.96 conversions per day, it will take 77.7 years for all these men in San Francisco to become butt bandits. It is believed that this statistic is also accurate extrapolated to the general population.
Conclusions
Two things should be clear from the results of this study:
1. Thursday after a decrease in temperature is the day most men will attempt bone smoking for the first time.
2. The rate of them doing so is low enough that this is no threat to the general populace in the near future.
Analysis
This study produced many surprising results. "Hump day' should now be recognized as an incorrect description of Wednesdays when applied to the soon-to-be homosexual population. A change from colder to warmer weather, though it does encourage one to wear less clothing, does not encourage newfound fudge packing. Perhaps this is because women look better naked than men do and this helps those questioning their orientations to rethink the issue.
Discussion
Given that global warming has produced a gradually rising average temperature, it reasons that as time progresses there will be fewer days of temperature decreases than increases. The rate of global warming is predicted to increase in the next twenty years. This, when observed within the context of this study, means that the rate of homosexual hamster hiding will decrease in the future. The figure of 77.7 years until complete faggotry reigns supreme should not be assumed to be a fixed deadline. It is merely to serve as a warning to the population at large.
We have applied for a government grant to further study this phenomenon. If funded, it will entail our primary researcher (C.E.) meeting and interviewing each person who advertises on CraigsList.org for a first-time encounter. He will interact with them to determine the accuracy of their claims to want their "cherry ass pounded" or "drop a load" on their "face". He will then sub-categorize each encounter according to fulfilled homosexual acts. It is expected that this research will produce accurate and detailed information on the type of first encounter most desired by the population.