I decided to go to a head shrinking doctor, because my head was too big. I go to the doctor all the time since I've had health insurance, and it's always so nice to see Dr. Botox. However, Dr. Botox only prescribes drugs; he doesn't do brains.
So I go to Dr. Shrink and he's all, "So, what's your problem?"
And I'm all, "Blah blah blah."
So then we both go, "Blah blah blah" for another ten minutes then he asks me if I'm a drug addict. Of course, he prefaces it by saying, "I'm not asking this because of anything you've said, but..."
Then I tell him that I am not a drug addict. Then he makes it clear that it was, in fact, something that I said.
"But you write about clubs and there are all those circuit parties and raves and things..."
Fans, it's been a while since I encountered the stereotype of "You go to clubs so you like to shoot up heroin while having bareback AIDS sex in the bathrooms, right?" I think most people in San Francisco are more evolved than that.
Then again, most people in San Francisco like to shoot up heroin while having bareback AIDS sex in the bathroom of clubs. So maybe it's just denial. Anyway, I convince him that I do not do drugs, but of course my massive alcohol consumption comes up.
"Do you think your drinking is problematic?" he asks.
"No. But I definitely drink to medicate," I say. "I have trouble sleeping at home, and it takes me a few cocktails to dumb down to the level of the average person in a bar."
Dr. Shrink doesn't get it. "But you also drink at home, you said about one or two drinks a night?"
"No. More like three or four."
"And you live alone?"
"Yeah."
"You don't drink at work, do you?"
"No I wouldn't waste a good buzz on work." I give a look that is meant to portray INCREDULOUS, but I think he misinterprets it as LIAR.
"So you don't think you have an alcohol problem?" he asks.
"No," I repeat. "What I have is an alcohol solution!"