People who send "Happy New Year" text messages

What, specifically, does that accomplish?

The new New Yorkers

They used to be the toughest bunch of people in the country, but now it's like, "Ooh! A homeless! Let's get out of here!"

People whose email signatures say it's confidential information

Finders keepers, beyotch!

People whose emails say, "Please consider the environment before printing this email."

Please consider that telling other people what to do is the laziest form of environmentalism there is.

Old people on airplanes

Would you please sit the hell down and stop bothering everyone? It's an airplane, not social night at the raisin ranch.

People who have a new baby and a new puppy

Is it a cleaning-up poop fetish?

People in other countries who email you

Just when you think the US is the suckiest country ever, you get an email from an overseas business associate. HEY FRENCHIE, EVEN MY GRANDMOTHER IS CLEAR ON THE NO CAPSLOCK RULE BY NOW.

People who pretend to talk to their kids when they're really just thinking out loud

Minus the child, you're just a babbling crazy.

Fast food workers who keep asking "Can I help you?" when you're obviously still staring at the menu over their heads

So what you're saying is that you, the lady standing in front of the cash register beneath the "Order Here" sign, are the right person to assist in taking my order? Thanks, because I thought that if I just kept staring at the sign long enough that food would magically fly into my mouth from outer fucking space. I HAVE BEEN TO BURGER KING BEFORE AND I KNOW HOW IT WORKS.

People who post on your Facebook Fun Wall

It's really not that fun.

People who constantly reapply sunscreen

At some point a burqa is the more practical option.

People who brag about not watching television

and then spend an hour a day watching television clips on YouTube.

People with uncontrollable airplane gas

Lady, if you're going to let out a horrifically stinky fart every ten minutes for four hours then at least have the courtesy to lock yourself in the bathroom.

Phone survey people who start begging pathetically after you say no

While I appreciate that you recognize that your job sucks, that wouldn't be my problem now, would it?

People who tell you they're crazy

I believe the proper word for what you are is "asshole."

People who point out every non-meat item on the menu to me

I can read my own menu, thanks. I'm vegetarian, not retarded.

People who hug you goodbye even when you're going to see them later in the day

Sorry, one hug limit!

Couples who narrate the travel process

"Okay, it's 8:23 now, which means we have 17 minutes until we board, so we each have time for one more bathroom trip."

Two, two, two times the retarded!

People who talk about living with dignity

I dunno, does my dignity look fat in these assless chaps?

People who tell you to have a safe trip

How does that help? If you really give a shit call the airport and ask to speak to my pilot.

People who share their philosophy at the bar

Should I really live life to the fullest? How unlike the first line of your personal ad that also made you sound really, really cliche.

People who wear a 'party shirt'

D00d! Shots?

People who call early in the morning

What? Hello? Oh yeah, I'm awake. Just keep talking. Nobody is full of lies and deception before 10AM or anything.

People who have blogs who don't blog on them

Take it down. Nobody wants to see your failure.

People who'd like to propose a toast

I'd like to propose that we not stop drinking for a round of mutual ego stroking and groping at each other from across the table.

People who stop listening half...

What? Sorry I was checking my Blackberry.

People who talk about food all throughout dinner

Do they talk about sand when they're at the beach?

People who email you party invites that are 3MB attachments

Does my inbox look fat to you?

People who dial your wrong number- twice.

Rather than just hanging up the first time like a chicken, why don't you ask? Because on the second call I start treating you like the retard you are.

People who wear purple outfits

Purple = Crazy.