An important self-realization

I hate canoeing.

Forbidden fruit

FDA Issues Warning on Cantaloupes

Cantaloupes? Is nothing safe? I was fine with tainted lettuce, because it's lettuce. But get your laws off my melons!

A great bum died here

Seriously? The SF Board of Supervisors passed a resolution to put bronze plaques on the sidewalks in places where homeless have died commemorating their lives. This will apparently bring attention to the plight of the homeless in San Francisco.

How could you possibly avoid the plight of the homeless in San Francisco? Woe the great invisible population, who bravely clog the sidewalks and perfume the air with their honor!

Happiness is...

A laundromatt devoid of crackheads, mentally ill people, and grandmothers doing laundry for 13 children hogging all the dryers.

And they say hippies are dirty...

Bill Cosby wants his sweater back. And I want you to wash your hair before you use the headrest on any public transportation. Ack.

Five call limit

Sorry Mister Obama, after five calls (robo and human) for a single candidate I will no longer vote for that candidate. If you can't coordinate your phone list you can't coordinate a presidency.

Homeless Hangout

So the SF Public Library's main branch put $6 million into a facelift. The improvements seem nice and all, but the library is still disgusting and overrun with homeless junkies and crazies sleeping at the tables, making out (seeing this is what drove me to join a private library), and shaving and shooting up in the bathrooms. Nearly all of the reader comments on the news story mention this- so it's not just me being cranky.

Many of the improvements seem to speed up flow of people checking in and out- automatic check-in machines, speedier book check-out, and displaying more of the popular first-floor fiction books. Taken together, these improvements reflect user demand to spend as little time possible in the filthy, well-lit place for books.

It seems to me like the taxpayers just chipped in another six million bucks to avoid dealing with the homeless problem.

Winter break is over

The hordes of screaming children are again out on the playground next to my house for recess. Damn, it was a nice quiet couple of weeks.

LOLMauling

Tatiana has a MySpace page! Two, actually.

I resolved

to get out of bed by 2PM today. I met that resolution head on and achieved it. Congratulations to me, and time for a victory nap.

The war on ants

When it rains, ants invade my apartment through the kitchen and/or bathroom windows. In fact, I can predict when it's going to rain because suddenly there are ants everywhere. They've been particularly obnoxious this year, and I only have to have the window open for an hour or two for them to invade. How they do it, I don't know, but the day after I have the window open, there are hundreds of little tiny ants forming a line along the sink or bathtub. It's like they see the open window and hurl an egg through it.

So I'm on day three of trying to kill off the ants from my latest infestation. I just wipe them with a sponge into the sink, trying to avoid using stanky chemical spray for as long as possible. I noticed that a lot of them seemed to be hanging around the blender. Then I figured out that they were creating a home inside the blender where the motor is.

That's prettymuch the opposite of awesome, but it's not the first time my small appliances have been infested. In Boston many years ago, a family of cockroaches had taken up residence inside my answering machine. And while my answering machine just had to go, at least I can wash out the inside of the blender and drown the ants.

Who wants frozen margaritas?

Cintra takes down carrots

Cintra Wilson, who is motherfreaking hilarious, makes fun of the SF store Carrots in her New York Times Critical Shopper story.

The piece was awesome, but I couldn't disagree more with this statement:

Babylon by the Bay, with its delirious views, voluptuous palm trees and cherry vintage tram cars, is truly the pinup girl of American cities, to the point of having the unintentionally surreal gloss of TV dramas set in the ’40s: it’s all a little too clean. The cars are straight from the O.C.D. collector’s garage; the Victorians have had cosmetic procedures; even the trees look moussed. San Francisco now looks like a Las Vegas luxury casino called “San Francisco.”

Clean? Seriously? Yeah it's very pretty, but this city is filthy, usually smells of urine and human feces, and is the place where personal hygiene goes to die. Maybe she was here when it was raining.

Boomers

LOL.

Step away from the internet

I've been smoking news crack lately, and I can't get enough. Pakistan on the brink of hostile takeover? Tiger mauling? Universal health insurance legislation? I read the stories then obsessively check for updates and read the user comments. Of course, I have all the answers. I'm just waiting for people to reach my conclusions.

1. Pakistan needs to get de-nuked asap. It doesn't matter which unethical crazy is in power. We need to tell Musharraf he can stall elections for a little while and we'll de-nukify Pakistan for him in the meantime.

2. Tiger mauling: I think what they're saying is the tiger jumped over a 33-foot-wide moat AND a 12-foot-high wall at the far side of the moat. That's fucking awesome!

3. Tiger mauling, part II: People want to figure out if the kids were 'taunting' the tiger. Sticking a tiger in a cage is taunting it. Saying "Hey tiger look at me!" is only teasing.

4. SF's universal health care plan: It seems the problem with it is only in the employer contribution part. There's no reason not to get on with the rest of it in the meantime.

White (Tiger) Christmas

The city, which helps fund the zoo, is currently facing a lawsuit from Komejan and is assessing today whether it is at all liable for the Christmas Day mauling, officials said.

CHRISTMASDAYMAULING.COM is available!

Pokey

People who blog about dreams are stupid, but I had this awesome dream last night. I had killed all these people and hid the bodies inside my waterbed and filled it up with water. The plan worked perfectly, except when I would lay on the waterbed the noses of the dead people would poke me in the back.

My new job

It occurred to me today that I should apply to become a vein model. You know how they have hand models and foot models and stuff? Every time I go to a phlebotemist to get blood drawn they ooh and ahh over my big juicy veins and it makes me feel very special. And when something makes you special, you need to exchange that shit for cash money.

Viva Goulet!

Planet earth is a little less awesome today. Robert Goulet is dead.

Slump for Chumps

Paulson Urges Action on Housing Crisis

Help! Crisis! The rich are getting poorer!

The annotated set list

My pal Dave White, aka DJ. Mrs. White in the Library with the Lead Pipe , spins at a creepy-sounding bar in LA. Sometimes he writes up his set list (note: seems like a lot of work to me) but the best part is he annotates it with crowd reaction:

This prompted a group of four lithe latino boys, all with that assymetrical hair the kids think is hot and 80s, all sipping drinks with straws, to begin going "Whoooo!" and dancing in that way where you kind of gyrate your hips while standing still and holding up one harm with a limp wrist as though you are a periscope. Every time I played something they liked, they'd do the periscope dance.

Finally, there's a name for that move. I look forward to using it in casual conversation.

Dear P.J. Harvey

Congratulations on the new album. I just have a question: Where are the fucking guitars? It's all piano and harp. Are you Tori Amos now?

Availability

State warns against tainted tofu

TAINTEDTOFU.COM is available!